Creative Kristi

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Creative Kristi: Real Honesty.

Creative Kristi

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Real Honesty.

This post has been sitting in drafts for a few days. I’m nervous and scared and relieved all at the same time to be publishing it.
I am writing this post not because I want sympathy or pity. I’m writing it because I want someone….maybe you….to know you are not alone & you are better than you think you are. Really you are. Yes YOU.
This will be long and wordy and full of errors because if I don’t just write it as it comes out I will never publish it.
Ok here goes (big deep breath & pray my entire family isn’t reading this because my mom will call me and give me that concerned voice “Are you ok?” which will make me cry and will make me mad all at the same time for some reason):
House duties:
You know those blog posts that are like “I’m going to show you the real mess my room is” and then it’s a picture like this:
So yeah…that’s my house on a GOOD day. No, that’s my house on a FANTASTIC day.
Here’s my craft room:
IMG_1111And actually that is much better than it looks now. At least you can see some of the guest bed/futon in this one. 
yeah. I know. you don’t have to tell me. it’s the biggest mess ever. It’s so overwhelming I can even begin. I know, I know if I just do 15 minutes at at time it will be done in no time….ugh yeah thanks FlyLady…NOW I have to find an extra 15 minutes to work on it.
Edited to add: After I wrote this I came across this post in my Google Reader. I love it bc it is simple.
I laugh when I read “get up an hour earlier than your kids and have ‘me’ time” HA! (actually I cry but that’s a different story) my kids get up at 5am. Consistently. without fail. every. single. day. and actually my Little Miss E wakes up to nurse at 4am- nurses for 20-35minutes and then gets up again when Little Man comes in demanding a cereal bar and to go downstairs. Speaking of little Man he doesn’t want to nap anymore and it’s a whole big struggle to even get him anywhere near a bed after 1pm everyday. IF I can get him there (kinda hard considering he’s 40lbs and very good at flopping around so you can’t pick him up) he *might* fall asleep IF I lay with him (hard to do if Miss E needs to nurse or is crying.) At night he won’t go to sleep until after 8:30pm IF I lay with him in our bed. Trust me I’ve tried the whole put him in his bed and keep putting him back until he stays thing….that’s a fantastic idea IF he would fall asleep-EVER- using that method and if after a long, long LONG night of putting him back he would sleep past 5am. Which he doesn’t. I swear if I put him to bed at 4am he would be back up at 5am- just crankier. And that’s another thing: Why does he wake up cranky no matter what? Even from naps (2+ hours if he falls asleep)? He’s cranky…even when I don’t wake him up.
Anyway so ‘me’ time does. not. happen. at. all. ever.
I would LOVE to have my mom come up and watch them both so I could nap but I’m nursing Miss E and when we try to give her a bottle of pumped milk she chokes on it and just doesn’t ‘get’ it. and if my mom would take Little Man and I would sleep when Miss E does (to avoid the whole bottle issue) I’m never tired then (again WHY is that??) or I feel like I should get stuff done that I can’t do otherwise. Plus my sister lives with my mom right now due to personal issues and has a 2 year old and one due in Sept. so my mom has her hands full already…I’m lucky to get 2 hours out of her when she comes to visit…and usually then she shows up before I’ve really woken up and hit my ‘stride’ for the day so those 2 hours are NOT productive. Ever. haha. But I appreciate her offers to help.
This one never used to be an issue for me. Well let me rephrase that- I was always ‘bigger’ than my peers and according to those stupid BMI charts I was always ‘overweight/borderline obese’ which by the way is stupid. I was 5’4” in high school running cross country 145lbs and considered borderline obese? C’mon! Even I know that wasn’t true!
After having Little Man I nursed him and was pre-baby weight (145lbs.) by the time he was 3 months…then continued to lose because of the stress of my husband’s deployment..I still only got to 130lbs. and those stupid BMI things told me to be 115lbs. to be within the ‘healthy’ range. Honesty: even at 130lbs. my jeans size was still a 14. Which apparently shocked my friends when I told them. They all thought I was at least an 8 if not a 6. I’ve never been a 10 let alone a freakin 6! I wish lol.
So anyway right now at Miss E being almost 10 weeks I haven’t lost a pound in almost 2 weeks. I’m at 181lbs. 181. this is uncharted territory for me. I have no time to work out (see above about no me time) and I thought nursing would help again this time at least get me back to 150lbs. 
I don’t want to buy clothes that fit this body because I don’t want this body (read money/budget section below to also know why I can’t buy clothes in all the sizes I am/will be- sorry Stacy & Clinton but I just can’t and if I could they would be those cheap ones you hate!). I know I’m not supposed to say that. I’m supposed to be all “love your body at any size” but I don’t. I don’t love my body at this size. I don’t love seeing 181 on the scale. So I wear yoga skirts and tank tops that I wore when I was pregnant just to get by. Until I get to that place…if I ever get to that place. I am continually amazed that my body made two babies…that it knew where to put the nose and the fingers and all those organs. That they are healthy because of my body. That I fed/feed them with my body. But that doesn’t mean I love what happened to my body. I would not give up my kids to get back to 135lbs but why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?
I love reading blogs-especially thrifty ones. I love a good thrifty find or dollar store re-do. Love ‘em. But I can’t participate all the time. My husband and I have written out our budget and are trying to follow Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover but we get stuck on step 1 then when we get that done we get stuck on step 2 so long that we use up the emergency fund and have to go back to step 1. This means that I don’t even have $1 to go to the dollar store and buy something to spray paint. If I DO have a little extra for some reason I either want to spend it on stuff my kids need or I can’t seem to GET to the store or yard sales (see above with no time for me) and I can’t take Little Man because he asks for everything and throws a tantrum if I say no and now that I have Miss E I can’t carry him out of a store kicking and screaming while holding her or her car seat. So I don’t go to the store. (Hubs grocery shops when he gets out of work) So I’m trying to somehow make this blog maybe possibly make me $10-$25 a month to help off set our budget (since it covers all the necessities) so I can have a crafty endeavor once in awhile still. But this blog is about those crafty endeavors and if I can’t afford to keep doing them I won’t have loyal readers so I won’t  be able to get advertising so I won’t be able to do the crafty endeavors….vicious cycle I tell ya. Vicious. lol (Also the lack of ‘me’ time makes it hard to blog let alone craft! whew!)
My husband is in the military (deployed twice already) and I hate it. I’m proud of him but I just want it to be over with already. That is hard to say for many reasons a few being: it’s his job and it’s how I am able to stay at home with my kids and how we survive, it is also very un-American to say I wish my husband didn’t serve. But I get a nervous/throw up feeling when I think of him deploying again- I felt that way every single day of the year he was gone last time and I am so scared I’ll have to raise my kids on my own for the rest of my life if something happens to him-that they won’t know their daddy. I am not made out to handle that. I sometimes wish someone else would serve so he wouldn’t have to and then I feel sick/guilty that someone else would have to feel nervous/throw up just so I didn’t have to and so I feel like it’s my duty to feel that way so that maybe you don’t ever have to know that feeling.
Having it all together:
I get “you have it all together” or “you are so much more domestic than me” or something similar- a LOT. I’m here to tell you that most days I don’t shower, I wear the same thing that I slept in and brushing my teeth is probably an after thought not a priority. If I do shower it’s at 3pm and shaving just doesn’t happen anymore. I haven’t baked bread since Miss E was born (except for once and I was rushing and it came out bad). Yes I cloth diaper but it’s because I can’t afford to buy that many diapers all the time.
On this blog, on twitter and on facebook you see what I want you to see. You see what I think YOU want to see. No matter how many times someone says they want to know the real you- they really dont. I mean I have so many issues I’m trying to deal with I don’t want to feel bad after listening to your problems that I can’t find the 5 minutes to help you too…I don’t need more guilt on my plate haha.
So because I have so much to worry/stress/throw up about I’m worn out and I’m a bad friend. I forget to get gifts or can’t afford to. I forget to call you and when you call me I’m too tired to form complete sentences so you get “uh-huh” “oh really”  “that’s nice” etc. and you feel like I’m ignoring you. I’m not. really I’m not. I’m trying so hard but nothing is seeming to match up.
My son eats cereal bars (organic brand), chicken nuggets (Tyson because we can’t afford the organic kind anymore-there’s only like 10 in a $8 box and he eats 5 at a time! yikes!), peanut butter toast, hummus & crackers, ice cream and chocolate. I can’t get him to touch a veggie or fruit (TRUST me I’ve been offering it to him since he stopped at 18 months….he’s THREE so that 10-15 times exposure thing is CRAP-OLA)  and we even planted a garden this year trying to A) save some money and B) get him involved in the process to try and get him to eat some veggies…so far we have ONE cucumber to show for our efforts and he wouldn’t even touch that. UGH. Yes I know if he is hungry enough he’ll eat it. But with little sleep, no nap, waking up cranky, etc…wouldn’t you go the easy way too? at least the ice cream and chocolate is only after he poops on the potty.

Whew. So there it’s all off my chest and if you’ve read this far…I’m sorry for putting my stuff on you. I’m sorry for wasting 10? 20? minutes of your life lol
So if you feel the same way as me on even only ONE of these things: I don’t have any advice and I don’t have a solution…I can’t even say “It will get better- it’s only a season in your life” because so far it’s the only season I know. But just know that I’m there with you. No matter how it seems on this blog…I know and I’m there. We can be there together- not solving anything but just knowing the other is there with us.

ok, I am prepared to lose some subscribers on here and have some friends on facebook avoid me because of all my ‘issues’ but I got sick of reading other “honesty” blog posts and thinking that it would be a great day if my life was their “messy/bad/ unorganized” life! lol!
So I’m hoping some of you feel that way too. Thanks for reading Miss E needs to nurse and Little Man is begging for nuggets…so REAL life calls!

P.S. I just want to state that I LOVE my kids and my husband and I KNOW we could have it much worse and I am thankful we don’t. Really I am very thankful and VERY aware it could be different. I just needed to vent and let someone else know that it’s ok she/he feels this way too. Because I wish someone would’ve written this post to make ME feel better too.

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